Gratitude for the Hard Roads

This past weekend, I was talking with some close friends about this blog specifically, and gratitude in general. I asked them who they would send letters of gratitude to, and why. We talked about who we would definitely not send letters to, and why. We talked about the spectrum of people who have walked through our lives--those who have done miracles, those who have done harm, and those who fall somewhere in between. The three of us have all learned things about ourselves through a spectrum of experiences. What does this practice have to say to that? Moreover, what should we do about those people in our lives who have taught us something very important, something for which we are very grateful, but it's something we learned through pain, or trauma, or betrayal? Can I, should I, how would I write a letter of gratitude for someone who has wronged me?

One one hand, sending a letter of gratitude to a former bully, particularly one that indicates how their misdeeds made me a better person, is a pretty passive-aggressive way to get revenge. But let's be real, I can't say there isn't some part of me who is tempted to send a few carefully crafted letters to the handful of people who have caused me some serious and unnecessary pain.

Maybe something like this?

But that's not the purpose of this project, and I want to make less space for that kind of behavior, not more. My purpose is to create more good in this world, in my relationship, and in me. And I'm pretty sure spiteful vindication isn't the best way to achieve those goals. Yet there is more at the root of this desire than vengeance. There is deep soul-healing in naming painful experiences that also taught me very important lessons. Learning the hard way is sometimes the only way to learn, and I want to honor the hard roads I've been down as well as those who have helped me lift myself into a better place. On the hard roads, I learned fundamental things. I learned to trust my intuition, but to keep my mind open to those few trusted friends who will tell me hard truths. I learned that negotiating by withholding is a surefire way to burn a relationship to ash. I learned that people who leave are not worth waiting for. I learned that I deserve mutuality, love, and trust. All of these I have learned the hard way, sometimes at my own hand, and sometimes at the hand of others. Although they were painful, they were also essential to my growth and maturity. 

However, I want to include one huge caveat. Sometimes, maybe even most times, trauma is just trauma. Maybe the only lesson to learn is "that never should have happened to me". I have known and loved too many survivors of abuse and neglect to believe that pain is redemptive. It absolutely is not. Individuals may find some redemption in the midst of or in spite of their experience, but that is a very different thing. 

I also don't want to give a pass to those who cause others pain. Which is to say, I don't want to give a pass to anyone. Just because I may have found meaning in a painful experience, does not take the perpetrator off the hook. Nor am I off the hook when someone has found meaning from pain I have caused. Each person is responsible for their actions, and its is their responsibility to do right by whomever they have wronged. Sometimes, that means reconciliation. Sometimes, that means ending a relationship. Sometimes, that means jail time. But it is the choice each of us make when we are processing grief, trauma, heartache, anger, or pain, to choose how to respond, and how or whether to find meaning in our experiences. Every person should feel empowered to take the path that leads to healing, regardless of whether lessons are learned or rejected. 

In my life, some of those experiences taught me how to love and live better. Recognizing those lessons have helped me to heal some of that pain. I will write a letter to those who have hurt me and taught me painful lessons. But I won't send them. Those letters are for me, really, to remind me of the hard roads I've walked, and how I came back. To remind me of how far I have come, and to point me to where I want to go from here.