The First Letter

As I sit here, starting at a blank open word document, I realize I'm a little nervous about this project. I'm glad the first name I drew was someone with whom I have a long, close friendship. This letter will be easy, since I have so, so many reasons why this person has blessed my life. Yet, still, I'm nervous. I've been thinking a lot about why I've chosen this particular practice as my spiritual practice for the next year. I could have chosen to write more poetry, or to sit and meditate for so many minutes each day. I could have chosen to volunteer at a food pantry, or to start up yoga, or any number of things that are listed in articles that have titles like, "10 Ways to Live Your Best Life Now!"But those practices wouldn't really stretch me, and I want to be challenged.

As a friend once told me, I'm very good at getting the truth out of people, at helping others reach some kind of understanding of their own inner life--turmoil and blessings alike. What I'm not very good at, is doing this myself; it takes me a while to figure out what I'm feeling, and sometimes I struggle to share those feelings openly and freely with others. I've been intentional about sharing more of myself with those I love for the past few years, but it still doesn't come easy for me. I grew up as a pretty emotional kid, and would often get teased at for crying, or get yelled at for being angry, so I spent many years feeling ashamed of openly expressing my emotions. I hated (and still do, if I'm honest) to cry in public. I also grew up in a family that showed their feelings through their presence, through being supportive, through doing rather than saying what they felt. I learned to become adept at interpreting my family's feelings through their actions. I remember once, several years ago, I was absolutely heartbroken after a relationship of mine had gone sour. I had called my mom, sobbing on the phone, explaining what had happened. The next day I got an email from my dad that said, "Your mother said you want me to visit next week?" Which meant, "I love you and am worried about you."Love shows up in many different ways, and this practice will help me hone one way of loving a little bit more.

The truth is, is that loving others requires us to share a bit of our true selves, it requires that we reveal the places in us that are vulnerable to pain, that are raw from past trauma, the places in ourselves that we're afraid to look at. Even with those we love and trust, there is always a risk in sharing the deeper parts of ourselves, even if it's sharing our gratitude. Ultimately, this year is going to be a practice in vulnerability. A year to remind my younger self that feelings are not something to be ashamed of. A year to celebrate all of the deep and abiding love I have in my life, those who share with me, who offer me so many blessings. It will probably intimidate the hell out of me, but that's okay, too. If I'm learning anything, I'm learning that loving others is worth the risk. Protecting myself from pain requires that I shut off all the doors where love can reside. The cost is far too high.